16th June 2015
About the author : I am a dog. I spend my days training my huminions, ridding the world of birdies 1 bite at a time and looking for blankets to lie on. My struggle is real.
Huminions! I’ll never understand them. Why is a species so obviously so mentally deficient allowed to rule itself, and worse still, proliferate? Mine went outside in a downpour this morning for the purpose of “going for a run”, just as thunder and lightning rolled in. Even the furry beasts were sensible enough to take shelter inside…
Whilst my huminion was out, I thought I’d take advantage of the computer. And I found this abomination on the screen:
This, apparently, is the leader of the huminions! (Why my huminions need a huminion leader, I don’t know. They have me. And quite frankly, I don’t see this one serving any purpose in my household. My huminions are still out of control when I don’t keep them under close supervision).
Anyway, back to the abomination. Why is this so-called lead huminion not wearing full fur? (I see he is wearing a funny sort of fur bra. Is that “fashion”?) What hope is there for the rest of the breed if the leader sets such a poor example? At least my huminions are sufficiently intelligent to remember to put on “clothes” when they appear in public.
The other problem I have is with the huminion leader’s approach to birdies. Surely he knows that smuggling is a crime! Apparently he gets very irate about huminion smuggling. So why does he feel it is OK for him to smuggle birdies? And I’m pretty sure it’s not pleasant for even a birdie to be stuffed down the front of a gentleman’s pants like that. AND why proclaim your crime?
I believe it is time the huminions had a change of leader, and I’m just the
cat dog for the job. I propose that I be elected leader of the huminions, and to that end I have put together a 10 point manifesto:
10. Fox hunting to be required by law
As you know, foxes are very wicked and have been known to bite kittens. This results in distress and near-death experiences: something no cat should be subjected to. They bite other creatures like chickens. (What species are they, by the way? My huminion said “bird”, but I have not seen them flying in the sky. And they are generally bigger than me, so they don’t meet any criteria against which I judge a birdie. Just another example of huminions not really having very big brains, methinks).
Besides, I have all the tools needed for fox-hunting. I have a trusty steed (Gracie the small-horse Weimaraner) and a hound (I declare Dexter a foxdog, there are enough birddogs).
There is a small flaw in the plan. Gracie tends to want to lie down and has been known to hide under a bush and refuse to go any further, when tired. The Grumpy Huminion had to collect her in the noisy metal beast and take her home. And Dexter might be prone to licking the foxes for love. I may have to train him that foxes should be viciously bitten. I have been trying to train him in combat, but so far his only reaction to my ninja-like attacks is to whimper and cry for the huminions to rescue him…
10. The Prevention of Birdies from Flying Bill
I proclaim that all birdies should be prevented from flying or sitting in high trees. Well, any trees, actually. Or on any ledges that are too high for kittens to reach. Basically, all birdies must be on the ground, or held to be in contempt of the law. Birdies will be required to sit on the ground and wait to be bitten. Further, any birdies, including budgies, discovered being smuggled above ground height will be immediately bitten, in situ, by the nearest cat.
10. Increased Accessibility
I am very concerned that there is discrimination against cats rife within society. Cats like to go inside and outside, as they need to regularly assess the skies for illegally flying or perching birdies. However, doors are a major impediment, and this affects cats more than huminions. (Furry beasts are also disadvantaged, but as a lesser species that needs to be controlled and supervised, the discrimination is far greater in the case of cats than furry beasts). Therefore, ALL doors fit for huminions MUST be designed with a cat-door as well.
I accept that the transition to all homes having the new cat-door compliant standard of door may take some time, so until a home is fully furnished with the appropriate doors, huminions must stand-by to open the non-complaint version on demand.
10. Feeding Stations
There is an ongoing battle between myself and the Grumpy Huminion about where I should be given my meals. Huminions eat at tables. Lord Oscarmort should eat at the table.
The Grumpy Huminion seems to have other ideas, and insists on putting my bowl on the floor equivalent to the place he feeds the furry beasts. I do not like being relegated to the level of a furry beast. Particularly as Dexter is partial to my food, and if I turn my back, he sticks his snout in and hoovers up my biscuits. NOT OK. [It’s obviously OK if I want to eat his food]. Therefore, all cats should be allocated their own table, such as this one.
Other manifesto promises:
10. Humans to be expected to wear their fur [I don’t know where they keep it, but they need to get it out of secret storage and wear it with pride like cats and furry beasts]
10. Houses to include more beds and soft blankets for lying on
10. A huminion to be on hand round the clock for door opening [see above] and food bowl filling in every household containing a cat
10. Decimalisation for all cats. No more being limited to nine lives. Be freeeeee!
So, I think this quite admirably demonstrates that I would be a much better leader than the current one, and I vote that I be immediately installed as head of the huminions.