27th May 2015
About the author : I am a dog. I spend my days training my huminions, ridding the world of birdies 1 bite at a time and looking for blankets to lie on. My struggle is real.
Good news! Most of the huminions have left the house, and it means I am officially in charge. (The leftover huminions can be controlled. They are small and weak and know they need my protection).
So, as the hard-to-train huminions have gone on a trip, I thought I’d share some of the tips I gave them before they left home.
10. It’s the destination, not the journey
Look at this way, when you’ve got a birdy to bite, you don’t really care how you reach it, so long as you do. To be fair, though, I do quite enjoy scrabbling up a tree or leaping onto a roof.
The getting down is less fun. So I just shout until the huminions come and find me, then I wait until they lift a chair up so I can stand on it and they lift me down. Chair. Lift. Great invention.
10. Explore new places
You never know where the tastiest birdies will be, so get out there and explore. I think I’m a great example. I have crossed the road to look around the hospital gardens (and avoided being squished by the noisy metal beasts that roar along), been into the bush behind my dominion and even followed the huminions to the place they were going for their dinner (before being rudely intercepted and imprisoned).
10. Try new foods
When you are amongst foreign types, I recommend that you try their food. After all, you can go back to your unvaried diet as soon as you get home. I have discovered there are flavours almost as delicious as birdy. (Not just mouse).
10. Sunbathing is great
But unless you have sun-proof fur, take care out there. I’ve noticed my huminions put on their garish non-fur bits of fabric, and funny floppy things on their heads and even smear something white and smelly on their skin, which seems like an awful lot of fuss, when they could just put on their fur. Even the furry beast dogs know to keep their fur on. But, (and don’t get me wrong, they’re not bad sorts, my huminions), they’re just not that bright.
10. Don’t be afraid to change your allocated location
I quite regularly find that I’m not in the location I want to be. It can happen as often as every 5 minutes. I’m inside the door. I’m outside the door. And it’s just not where I want to be. So, I’ve found that making plenty of noise is what gets the problem sorted. Complain loudly and forcibly and don’t take no for an answer. You will be reallocated to a new location. Usually the one you wanted. Not always with great grace, but hey, it’s getting your own way that counts.
10. Pack snacks
My journeys to date haven’t really required a snack along the way. And I generally find a cockroach or some other delicious treat if I feel the need to fill my belly. But I did observe the huminions seemed to pack a few, so thought it might be a handy tip to pass on.
10. Take a mouse to keep you amused
I don’t this needs expanding on. It’s pretty self-explanatory. (Even if you happen to be a huminion, reading this).
10. Get lots of rest
Enjoy the journey and have fun exploring. But don’t forget to have a nap or two. You don’t want to overdo it and come back exhausted. I like naps. Did I mention that?
10. Avoid foxes
Beware foxes. Foxes are not friendly furry beasts and like to bite. They will attempt to kill you, if encountered, so my advice is play along and act dead and that will satisfy them. Fur is sun-proof, but not fox-proof. Encounters with foxes may lead to unexpected journeys. To the hospital-vet. And induce additional sleeping, as well as having to endure being fed unpleasant medicine food that is forced into your throat, which is most undignified. (
I rather – it may be possible to spit a tablet out, and if you’re lucky, a furry beast might be willing to lick it up when it falls on the floor). And then when you feel better, there may be a period of prolonged imprisonment. (Although sufficient loud complaining will eventually persuade the huminions of your capacity to return to the great outdoors).
So enjoy exploring and safe travels. I know I leave you enlightened.
Note from Jolly –
There have been no known bitings of any birdies or mousies for that matter. In fact, to our knowledge, the only cockroaches to be caught were already on their way to heaven….